Karmic Hairiness here I come…

THE CHALLENGE. A man (Captain Savage – a man who is about to become less hairy). A woman (the beautiful Rose). A quest. To earn enough karmic points by Christmas to be reincarnated as Something Nice. Ok I think I’m back on track, maybe this week I could be a lemur, they seem to have so much fun…

Those tails are just so cute, and those orange eyes…

Well what has happened during Week 30?

This week has been a week of Savage achievement, well not for this particular Savage, but for the lovely and engaging little Miss J…  as her dad, I am just so proud…

My daughter has always been the apple of my eye, and I’m enormously proud of her, as I’m sure all fathers are, in a most one-eyed fashion. But this week is rather special for me in relation to Miss J. Every time I spend time with her I encourage her reading, I even bought her a Kindle and loaded it up with nearly 100 classic books (from the dead writers society, you know the free ones), plus also a lot of kids type books too.

Miss J took to reading like a duck to water and at first I read to her, then we read together, with me putting on silly character voices, now Miss J reads to me, and does a really good job of it too. And at 8 years of age she is reading books I didn’t read until I was much older. She is currently reading Moby Dick, and not the comic book version either.

No, this isn’t Miss J, but you get the idea…

Not only is she good at reading, she writes pretty well as well, much better than I do, at least so she tells me whenever she get the chance. She has already been a contributor to this blog, refer… The Crazy Dream, which was her first contribution.

Then there is her sometimes infuriating habit of being quicker than my calculator at working out mathematics… Nobody likes a smarty-pants Miss J…

This would be her if she had half a chance, up showing off…

So why are you so proud of Miss J this week?

Well this week my ex-wife received my daughter’s NAPLAN report from her school… And she (Miss J) did really good… Better than even I, as her ever proud daddy, could have hoped…

Say What Capt., Her what? report?

Her NAPLAN report, ok, well it’s The National Assessment Program – Literacy and Numeracy (NAPLAN) and is an annual assessment for students in Years 3, 5, 7 and 9. It is an everyday part of the school calendar and has been since 2008. NAPLAN tests the sorts of skills that are essential for every child to progress through school and life, such as reading, writing, spelling and numeracy.

Little Miss J has been assessed as being in the top 1% of kids of her age for reading, creative writing and mathematical ability, I was totally blown away…

And I am so proud of you Miss J

So now Miss J is being given opportunities for special tutoring and extra classes, and I know where she gets it from… Well I’ll keep telling myself that regardless Rose…

So I must be doing something right?

But there is one little white cloud on the sunny horizon for little Miss J, she is cursed like me with the same issues that I suffered from at school, and which made me sometimes be, to quote fake Roman, Mr Sporticus Clumsicus.

My parents often wondered how the hell I lived through my childhood sometimes. But I’m kind of hopeful that little Miss J can, just like I eventually did, learn to make the most of her limited sporting capacity. Yes I eventually made the school athletics and cross-country teams (I think they were desperate actually). I would also have made the curly-headed, shortsighted, nerd team too, but they didn’t want to own up to having that team at my school.

So what about Karma for this week Capt?

Well, obviously this week I want to be reincarnated as Miss J, and hopefully live a highly successful life as a child prodigy/genius…

But actually I think I have earned a few Karmic Coins from the fountain.

Here we go, a few coins in a very famous fountain…

I have added to my collection of Karmic Karma raising activities by once again becoming a MoBro…

A Mo-What Capt?

Well every year for the last 9 years I have been shaving my face clean on the 1^st of November and then growing a variety of hairy caterpillars on my upper lip, yep, growing Moustaches for Movember.

Here are a couple of lovely examples of Movember Moustaches

And what is Movember about?

During November each year, Movember is responsible for the sprouting of moustaches on thousands of men’s faces in Australia and around the world. The aim of which is to raise vital funds and awareness for men’s health, specifically prostate cancer and male mental health.

Registering at www.movember.com, guys then start Movember 1st with a clean-shaven face and then for the rest of the month, these selfless and generous men known as Mo Bros, groom, trim and wax their way into the annals of fine moustachery. Supported by the women in their lives, Mo Sistas, Movember Mo Bros raise funds by seeking out sponsorship for their Mo growing efforts.

Mo Bros effectively become walking, talking billboards for the 30 days of November and through their actions and words raise awareness by prompting private and public conversation around the often ignored issue of men’s health.

At the end of the month, Mo Bros and their female supporters (known as Mo Sistas) celebrate their gallantry and valor by either throwing their own Movember party or attending one of the infamous Gala Partés held around the world by Movember, for Movember.

Want to help me to raise money for Movember?

Well you can, I have just set up my fundraising page, still got to finish putting up info and arrange my own Movember events, but you are welcome to chip in and support men’s health. My Movember site is at http://mobro.co/TheSavageMO, check it out!!!

How has the Beautiful Rose gone, well in a Karmic Sense? (She’s been gone in a few other senses for a while now…)

Well Rose has been fully occupied with lots and lots of things, all which are earning her mountains of Karma. She has taken her son, the incredibly debonair and intelligent (intimidatingly) Mr F, on an expedition to the beautiful Blue Mountains (where else would someone as beautiful as Rose go?).

The Three Sisters in the Blue Mountains

Rose has been doing wonderful things with the gorgeous and delightfully cheeky (shows no respect for us adults at all) Miss M.

She has also been doing heaps and heaps for her family…

As well as cleaning her house and getting it all fixed up too…

Let’s just admit it, Rose has been a very busy little vegemite!!!

See a Happy Little Vegemite, even has Rosy cheeks Rose…

So Week 30, what’s the score?

Well I’ll leave that up to the delicious Rose, what do you reckon I should put in for our scores?

Week No.	Week Ending	Rose’s Weekly Tally	Rose’s Running Total	Capt’s Weekly Tally	Capt’s Running Total
15	4/07/2012	200	406	50	205
16	11/07/2012	10	416	15	220
17	18/07/2012	10	426	20	240
18	25/07/2012	5	431	25	265
19	1/08/2012	5	436	20	285
20	8/08/2012	10	446	25	310
21	15/08/2012	15	461	30	340
22	22/08/2012	1	462	15	355
23	29/08/2012	1	463	15	370
24	5/09/2012	1	464	15	385
25	12/09/2012	1	465	15	400
26	19/09/2012	1	466	15	415
27	26/09/2012	1	467	15	430
28	3/10/2012	1	468	15	445
29	10/10/2012	1	469	5	450
30	17/10/2012	?	#VALUE!	?	#VALUE!

Come on Rose, what’s the score?

Capt. Savage

Soon to be hairy lipped (Moustached)

Help me pick my Movember style below…

Related articles

• The Capt. Hits the Karmic Accelerator… Week 29 on Steriods… And no concerns about anti-doping tests (captsavage.wordpress.com)
• Karmic Better Late Than Never Post… Week?? (captsavage.wordpress.com)

Is there a right way to end things?

Personally I’ve haven’t found one yet, and god I wish some of the women who have dumped me had that magic ‘gentle’ way to call it quits. For me however, it always jumps up and slaps me in the face, or I find myself slapping them in the face no matter how much I try to do it otherwise. Somehow endings for me always end up like some cheap movie script, with an evil bad guy and there is always an innocent victim…

So how have people ended it with you Capt?

This brings me onto another Top 10 list… And yes, I know it’s surprising Rose that 10 women have rolled my particular set of dice, of course this is assuming they all were women (god if only my life was that interesting). Some of these breakups may have happened to me, but I’ll let you be the judge.

So let’s me count down my top 10 breakups, starting at 10

10. Getting it via email… God I hate that… or worse still via bloody Facebook, and yes someone did end it with me by FB, but maybe I shouldn’t have announced that we were an item on FB in the first place. Guess I removed the deniability factor, and that apparently scared the crap out of them.

9. Tell me that I’m crap in the sack, now this may have some truth in it, but don’t tell everyone else about my lack of sexual prowess before you bother to mention it to me. Hasn’t anyone heard of natural justice…

8. Decide that the best way to get rid of me is to start cheating on me, and then have it off with another bloke in the back room of the café that we were partners in, and the operative word was WERE… That’s why I hate men who are good with languages, or in his case he was a pretty cunning linguist… at least that’s what he was practicing I think, in the backroom with my ex…

7. ‘”Do you want the good news or the bad news… ” Seriously, that is NOT how to tell someone its over.

6. Just leave one day and never come back, it would have been ok if you’d paid the bills and used a real name for the utilities account, instead of Zaphod Beeblebrox. Yep, someone I shared a place with actually persuaded people to connect up the gas, electricity and phone, using Zaphod as an alias (in case you don’t know who I mean, he was a character in Douglas Adams‘ ‘Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe’. The picture above is Zaphod with the ultimate in plastic surgery, yep he wanted an extra head…

5. “So, the good news is, it’s treatable with antibiotics… “Finding out that you just got something horrible from your lover generally does it for me, no words required.

4. Nothing says “we’re over” like a good old-fashioned brawl in the middle of a family BBQ. Bring a chair… words hurt, but broken bones hurt more.

3. A bloody singing telegram… And yes I am old enough to remember (and have received) a telegram. Although, honestly, this was probably the worst way to deliver any message.

2. Leave a voicemail message on their answering machine, not fair, and then disconnect your phone so that I can’t call you… Oh, and of course move out, all at the same time… I suppose I should thank you, at least it made hating you a lot easier.

1. Ok, so here is something that’s novel, you could actually try being mature and tell me that you just don’t feel the same anymore. There is literally nothing as soul-crushing as the truth I can tell you. Also, it leaves me wondering what game you’re trying to play with my head, god honesty it’s just unheard of. Voila! You’ve ruined my love life for a good 8 months or so!

So what is the worst way that someone has broken up with you?

Capt. Savage

(Zaphod, and if I ever find you…)

The Capt. Hits the Karmic Accelerator… Week 29 on Steriods… And no concerns about anti-doping tests

THE CHALLENGE. A man (Captain Savage – a man with a Pink heart). A woman (Rose). A quest. To earn enough karmic points by Christmas to be reincarnated as Something Nice. Ok so maybe I’ve been a bit slack, but now I’m seeing Pink…

Ah Rose, you are such an inspiration to me…

Let me count the ways…

Well there is Mr. L, who you visit and who is now enjoying see you much more since the weather is allowing you to wear clothing that reveals more of Rosy-ness, see Week 27 – Wear a Low Cut Dress for Jesus!, for more sordid details. And I know what a trial Mr. L can be for you, just cast your mind back to… The Karmic Challenge – Week 19′s Bloodthirsty Pensioner Strikes Again!! .

Then there are the many causes you support such as the two kids you sponsor, see kounting-the-karma for details. Let’s also not forget the lovely old lady you visited prior to Mr. L.

Then of course there are your many animal causes, such as your recent ‘Anti Live Sheep Exports’ activities.

Rose joined the throng (mostly women I noticed), protesting violently (in the rain)

Also, there is the food you generously gave to the Cat Lady (the women who refused to part with one of her pussies to me), see Karmic Challenge – the Second Week! With lots and lots of pussy tails (and the rest of the cats as well).

Too be honest there are just too many Karmic efforts Rose for me to count them all, last but not least is your preservation and support of glue factory candidates, i.e. your own lovely little Clipsie, who you bought for your daughter to ride from someone who forgot to tell you she was blind. Many other people would have done otherwise, but you kept her, and are still making sure she is looked after.

Here is Clipsie with the divine Miss M and one of her friends

SO Rose, where will all this Karma take you? What reincarnation awaits you?

———————————————-

Well Capt, How about your Karmic struggle this week?

The other day I started to think about how fortunate I am to be alive, I know that sounds a bit morbid, but quite a few friends, relatives of friends, and members of my family, have been taken by the big “C” (Cancer).

SO this week I decided to burn rubber on my side of the Karmic Challenge…

So when someone suggested the idea of running a Pink Ribbon Breakfast, I leapt at the idea, well not the Breakfast bit, I like getting into work after breakfast, not for breakfast. So I decided that a morning tea would be better, so at the moment I am madly running around my workplace arranging a venue and people to make things for the morning tea.

Maybe this is something people will be munching at my Pink Ribbon Morning Tea…

Ok, so what is Pink Ribbon Day all about?

National Pink Ribbon Day is the major fund-raising activity of the National Breast Cancer Foundation in Australia. People can buy pins, badges, wristbands or just donate money to support cancer research.

Who does the money go to?

To the National Breast Cancer Foundation (NBCF) who are the leading community-funded organisation in Australia raising money for research into the prevention and cure of breast cancer. The NBCF works with the public and other sponsors to raise funds and to support cancer research.

Since the NBCF was established in 1994, $81 million has been awarded to fund over 300 Australian-based research projects across every state and territory to improve the health and wellbeing of those affected by breast cancer.

Their goal is to achieve zero death from breast cancer by 2030. With 38 Australians diagnosed each day and eight losing their battle, there is still much to do.

(Note it’s a Morning Tea not a Breakfast)

My Aim is?

To raise $1,000 for the National Breast Cancer Foundation (at a minimum). You can support my Morning Tea by making donations at… Support Capt. Savage’s Pink Ribbon Day Morning Tea

Yep, there will be plenty of clinking of cups and saucers at my Pink Ribbon Day Morning Tea…

What other Karmic Efforts have you made this week Capt?

Well, almost inspired by Rose, I’ve decided to do my best to support a horse event, well actually more accurately I’ve volunteered to help run a Melbourne Cup luncheon.

OK, so what is the Melbourne Cup?

The Melbourne cup is the horse race that practically stops a nation (Australia if you hadn’t guessed). You can get more details at this Melbourne Cup link.

Here are a couple of likely candidates riding in the Melbourne Cup last year…

I’m not sure that Rose will actually approve of this little effort, as it’s probably more about exploitation of horses than supporting them, but you never know, maybe she’ll join me at the luncheon on the day? Chicken and Champagne anyone?

So Rose, why don’t we make the target 750 points by Christmas, are you game enough?

Well I haven’t compared notes with Rose, but given our collective scores I think we need to bump the target. Because surely Rose you are already inline to be reincarnated as the woman who won the lottery, or married Bill Gates (but a hairier, more muscular, less nerdy version, but still EXTREMELY rich). I can picture you now, living out your days on your idyllic country retreat, surrounded by cuddly animals, and lots and lots of grandkids… (this concept probably would scare the pants off Miss M I think).

So What is the Karmic Tally for this week?

Week No.	Week Ending	Rose’s Weekly Tally	Rose’s Running Total	Capt’s Weekly Tally	Capt’s Running Total
15	4/07/2012	200	406	50	205
16	11/07/2012	10	416	15	220
17	18/07/2012	10	426	20	240
18	25/07/2012	5	431	25	265
19	1/08/2012	5	436	20	285
20	8/08/2012	10	446	25	310
21	15/08/2012	15	461	30	340
22	22/08/2012	1	462	15	355
23	29/08/2012	1	463	15	370
24	5/09/2012	1	464	15	385
25	12/09/2012	1	465	15	400
26	19/09/2012	1	466	15	415
27	26/09/2012	1	467	15	430
28	3/10/2012	1	468	15	445
29	10/10/2012	?? Rose		?? Capt.

Capt. Savage

(Don’t forget, donations to Capt. Savage’s Pink Breakfast are more than welcome at Capt. Savage’s Pink Ribbon Morning Tea)

Related articles

• Pink Ribbon – Pink October (fashpiration.wordpress.com)
• Breast Cancer Awareness Shirts and Products (ironydesign.wordpress.com)

Karmic Better Late Than Never Post… Week??

Here is the Dalai Lama doing a bit of finger waving at naughty Capt. Savage

THE CHALLENGE. A man (Captain Savage – a very slack person). A woman (Rose). A quest. To earn enough karmic points by Christmas to be reincarnated as Something Nice. The way I am going at the moment I will be coming back as a 3 toed sloth…

So where the heck have you been Capt. Savage? Why no posts for ages?

To be honest I have been in a bit of a downer since my kids went home the other week, watching them fly back to Queensland really was gut wrenching. The kids had just stayed with me for a week in Canberra, and while it wasn’t the best holiday I’ve spent with the kids, I did feel torn up when I had to drop them off at the departure lounge and I watched my daughter run off to be with her mum and her new partner.

I shouldn’t feel sad, as I enjoyed my time with the kids and I know that their mother cares just as much as I do for the kids and they should be glad to see her and their stepfather, but logic doesn’t always triumph over emotions and your heart.

I took the kids to a few playgrounds, down to the Cotter River with Rose and her 3 dogs. The dogs didn’t care that the water was cold, they had a great time. Rose kindly took my daughter for a wander amongst the rocks, as I’d forgotten to bring my thongs (footwear for those unfamiliar, not the other sort).

So here are some photos from the week with the kids.

Here are the boys playing around by the Cotter River near Canberra, looks nice and warm but the water was freezing

Here is Rose, notice that the photo is suitably blurry, not sure what I was doing wrong that day, my expensive Nikon DSLR was taking terrible pictures (couldn’t be the operator??). It is a lovely spot really, as is Rose…

Here are the kids at an adventure playground about 15 minutes from home, Mr. J just wasn’t interested

Here is Mr. B going down the big slippery slide at the playground, and not too sure about it either

And here is Miss. J going down, more worried about her hat than the slide really

The even bigger slide that Mr. B just wouldn’t go down, no matter how many time Miss. J did it

Miss. J doing what she does best, showing off while balancing on one leg on a fake lizard

Mr. B on top of Canberra’s Telecom (Telstra) Tower, god it was windy that day, I’d just been running around trying to get Mr. B’s hat (I’m holding it while shooting this shot)

And here is Miss. J a.k.a. ‘Eskimo Girl’ trying to get out of the wind

Ok, so you have been feeling a bit low, but that’s no excuse for not doing your Karmic Post Capt!!!

Yep, I agree with Rose, who has been quietly able to do Karmic Posts while I have been acting like a bit like a hermit in my little cave (my unit). And actually doing a web post is kind of therapy rather than torture, although some of my attempts at poetry can be quite torturous I’m told.

So how did we fair Karmically (don’t think that’s actually a word Capt.) over the last few weeks?

Well Rose is so Karmic that she is already almost at her target of 500 points… and she still has nearly 3 months to go. So using the law of diminishing returns, I’ve decided to make it harder for you Rose, and also to allow me some faint hope of catching you before December. So I’ve given you a point for each week, generous I think. And for Me, well I used my weekly average up to now (15)… Creative accounting at its best I reckon Rose.

Week No.	Week Ending	Rose’s Weekly Tally	Rose’s Running Total	Capt’s Weekly Tally	Capt’s Running Total
15	4/07/2012	200	406	50	205
16	11/07/2012	10	416	15	220
17	18/07/2012	10	426	20	240
18	25/07/2012	5	431	25	265
19	1/08/2012	5	436	20	285
20	8/08/2012	10	446	25	310
21	15/08/2012	15	461	30	340
22	22/08/2012	1	462	15	355
23	29/08/2012	1	463	15	370
24	5/09/2012	1	464	15	385
25	12/09/2012	1	465	15	400
26	19/09/2012	1	466	15	415
27	26/09/2012	1	467	15	430
28	3/10/2012	1	468	15	445

 

ANY COMPLAINTS ABOUT THE SCORES SHOULD BE DIRECTED TO THE HAND… AND IT AINT LISTENING…

One of my favourite silly movies, Sacha Baron Cohen at his best (or is that his worst)

And you really should keep yourselves abreast of Rose’s recent post, it was thrilling for good old Mr. L, who apparently needed oxygen afterwards, bring on summer I say… And no, wearing a similar outfit for me won’t give you any more points, although I’m not going to discourage you…

The Karmic Challenge: Week 27 – Wear a Low Cut Dress for Jesus! (great title Rose)

Plus I love the concept of Gucci the animal activist (only animals can be really, and yes I know Rose, we are animals too). Sorry that I let the wet weather keep me at home in my cave, but to be truthful I wasn’t the best of company recently.

Capt. Savage

(Finally out of his hermit cave and back blogging)

 

It’s a Celebration… Thanks to you all!!! And another Award for Rose…

Yes it’s a celebration…

Thanks for all the attention, I am just blushing really…

Sydney really knows how to celebrate new Year, the glorious coat hanger in the background (that’s the Sydney Harbour Bridge for you non-Sydney people)

Ok Capt. What the heck are you talking about?

Well this week my humble little blog passed the following milestones, and excuse my little bit of trumpet blowing and celebrating, but this week (as of posting and now updated):

• The blog just passed 500 likes
  
• There are now over 70 followers of this blog (72 73 to be exact)
  
• 658 666 comments have been made (ok maybe 50% of them were replies by me)
  
• This is my 125 post
  
• I have 38 blog followers on Twitter
  
• I have 10 blog followers on Facebook
  
• This has been my busiest month on the blog (667  700 views) and I still have a day to go!!!
  
• And there has been 3,141 3,180 views of the blog in total (and 700 for August alone)
• And my daily average has just hit 23 overall and 28 for this week…

I really appreciate you taking the time to read my blog entries, I really do!!!

This all started off as a little experiment on my behalf, and very much as a result of prompting from my dear friend Rose from http://butimbeautiful.wordpress.com/. I never really thought that anyone could be bothered to read my dribble, but here I am 8 months later still blogging (started this blog in January this year), and I’m loving it.

So thanks Rose, thank you for giving me a whole new outlet, and it’s been a great release.

So Rose to honour your inspiration,

I Award You (Drum Roll Please)

The Inaugural Capt. Savage Blogger Inspiration Award…

Ta Da…

Here is my alter-ego, ready and waiting to award you…

So what mindless things do you have to do now?

So what do you have to do in return for this most prestigious and one of a kind award?

Well Rose, I expect you to do the following 5 things (and as usual in no particular order)

1. Break the new ban on doing hand stands (and post the picture on your blog), see http://www.abc.net.au/local/stories/2012/08/28/3577470.htm

    

2. Put up a YouTube video of yourself dancing on your blog (that should be entertaining)

    

3. Explain to me why my vacuum cleaner has never been the same since you borrowed it (I’m sure it’s the liposuction)

    

4. Sit and watch the Jason Bourne Trilogy with me (without falling asleep)

    

5. And nominate a Gazillion other bloggers for this most prestigious, soon to be no longer unique, award.

And Yes Rose, it’s your fault that I am now addicted to blogging…

And by the way, sorry I still haven’t done my weekly Karmic Challenge post, I’m a slacker I know.

Ok, maybe I only put in this clip cause Alanis Morissette is running around in the nude, and it’s a weird clip, but the title sounded appropriate at the time ok!!!

Thank YOU

Thank you fellow bloggers for taking the time the taking the time to read my blog, it is only my mad ramblings, but I enjoy it and that’s all that matters. The fact that others also take the time to read it too is just icing on my cake, so thanks!!!

Capt. Savage

(Aiming for 5,000 page views and 100 followers by 31 December, 2012)

I Love a Sunburnt Country…

My Country
by Dorothea Mackellar

The love of field and coppice,
Of green and shaded lanes,
Of ordered woods and gardens
Is running in your veins.
Strong love of grey-blue distance
Brown streams and soft, dim skies-
I know but cannot share it,
My love is otherwise.

I love a sunburnt country,
A land of sweeping plains,
Of ragged mountain ranges,
Of droughts and flooding rains.
I love her far horizons,
I love her jewel sea,
Her beauty and her terror-
The wide brown land for me.

The stark white ring-barked forests
All tragic to the moon,
The sapphire-misted mountains,
The hot gold hush of noon.
Green tangle of the brushes,
Where lithe lianas coil,
And orchids deck the tree-tops
And ferns the warm dark soil.

Core of my heart, my country!
Her pitiless blue sky,
When, sick at heart, around us
We see the cattle die-
But then the grey clouds gather,
And we can bless again
The drumming of an army,
The steady soaking rain.

Core of my heart, my country!
Land of the Rainbow Gold,
For flood and fire and famine,
She pays us back threefold.
Over the thirsty paddocks,
Watch, after many days,
That filmy veil of greenness
That thickens as we gaze…

An opal-hearted country,
A wilful, lavish land
All you who have not loved her,
You will not understand-
Though earth holds many splendors,
Wherever I may die,
I know to what brown country
My homing thoughts will fly.

———————————————-

This one of my greatest memories from my school days, we all had to learn this poem at my school, for some reason I can only remember the second verse, but even so, a great poem about Australia. Its no wonder people from Somalia and Afghanistan want to come here.

Enjoyed the second episode of ‘Go Back To Where You Came From’, see my post from yesterday at https://captsavage.wordpress.com/2012/08/28/1384/. When I have finished watching the 3rd episode tomorrow night, I’ll do another post about it and also my long awaited ‘Karmic Challenge’ post, although Rose has beaten me to it, see http://butimbeautiful.wordpress.com/2012/08/29/the-karmic-challenge-week-22-rose-has-a-lovely-personality-apparently/

Capt. Savage
(Glad not to be a Somalian or an Afghan)

Stories of mum: my mother’s vibrator

Stories of mum: my mother’s vibrator

Hi mum (kiss kiss, hug) How’s your week been?

Fine, you know, same as always…there’s just one thing, I can’t get that jolly vibrator to work!

What? Your vibrator?

Yes.  You know, that thing.  That vibrates.  I plugged it in, so it’s not a battery problem or anything..It heats up, so that’s not the problem.  It just doesn’t vibrate like it’s supposed to.

Oh. (puzzles) Ohhhhh.  That thing, Your VIBRATOR.  Er, mum, I think you mean your vibrating back pillow.  You do know what a vibrator is, don’t you?

Cup of tea?  No…what do you mean?

A vibrator is, um, one of those things that you buy that you hold up against your, you know, and it gives you orgasms.  You buy them in sex shops.

You hold it up against your..but why would you want to do that?

Well, suppose you didn’t have a man around, and you felt like sex, well there’s this little machine in your bedside drawer and you have that instead.  Or, some people have it even when there IS a man around.

Oh. (pause) Well I’ve never heard of THAT.  And frankly I don’t see the point.  How strange.  Now about that vibrator..

Darling mum, wherever you are in the ether (or not), have a big virtual hug!

Rose, that’s a cute story, but Rose’s mum was far more liberal and progressive than mine. My mum still hasn’t told me sex, and I think she would collapsed from shock if I discussed vibrators, CS

From my friend Rose of http://butimbeautiful.wordpress.com

Week 21 – Karma gathering has never been so hard…

THE CHALLENGE. A man (Captain Savage). A woman (Rose). A quest. To earn enough karmic points by Christmas to be reincarnated as Something Nice. Maybe a 3 toed sloth, they have a pretty lazy life? (adapted stolen from Rose’s blog)

“Choose to be optimistic, it feels better.”
― Dalai Lama XIV

 

The Dalai Lama, what a cheeky chap…

The Captain’s Karma

So what did I get up to this week worthy of perhaps raising myself to a slightly higher reincarnation?

My life this week has revolved around my work, slavishly droning away preparing briefing papers for two meetings. It drove me nuts mostly, and I’m sure I drove the staff working with me nuts too. I was once again being whipped unmercifully by my devil like boss, Mr S …

Here I am, on the galley, slaving away… Oops, maybe this is my fantasy galley… Sorry…

This week I did do some good deeds, just a few squeezed in amongst the grunting and cursing (mostly when I’m at work btw).

I managed to make coffee for several of my staff, or pay for coffees, or some combination of that. I was also very nice to every woman that I could be, getting in practice for dating; just have to catch a slower moving target… Most women run far too fast.

If only I could make a coffee heart + smiley…

Maybe 2.5 points per cuppa = 10 points?

Plus, true knight and shining armour style, I loaned my almost unused vacuum cleaner to a desperate friend (and she appreciated it). Now what she was going to do with it I hope involved just floors and domestics… I’ve heard rumours however about backyard liposuction…

And I kid you not friends…

“Suck-It-Yourself

Liposuction at home

by Eve Rings Published November 8, 1999 in Crave

It would cost me about $2,500 to get the fat sucked out of my ass. It would cost me about $250 to get a Fantom Cyclone XT vacuum with HEPA filter and a free T-shirt. The Fantom Cyclone weighs 25 pounds. I think my ass weighs 25 pounds. It would take about 25 days (almost 4 weeks) for me to heal from ass surgery. If I ordered my vacuum today, it would take me about 5-10 days to receive it by standard shipping. Not only is the Fantom Cyclone XT a great way to do your home liposuction, but it utilizes a certified HEPA filter on the exhaust to trap minute particles such as pollen, mold, fungus, yeast cells, plant spores and many other household allergens.

So what more could you want, after a hard session of liposuction, you can use the Cyclone’s upholstery/pet hair tool to clean up the lounge room, and as an added bonus it comes with an environmentally friendly clear collection bin which you can wash in your dishwasher…”

I found this article on the Internet… It must be true… And the Fantom Cyclone, well I want one now…

So, dear friend, if I find one scrape of fat in my vacuum cleaner, I’ll know what you’ve been up to…

Here is my vacuum cleaner, or one very much like it, pre-liposuction…

So maybe I get some points for dropping off the vacuum? For whatever purpose it’s intended use is = 10 points

And just maybe, just maybe, I went out to the movies straight from work, and didn’t get home to feed dear little Miss T, my pussy. Now she may just have been a little upset with me, see https://captsavage.wordpress.com/2012/08/21/tale-of-my-naughty-pussy/ and just maybe I deserved it for not feeding her on time…

SO what do you think Miss Tabitha = Minus 5 points?

Rose’s Tally…

So this is Rose’s own summary of her efforts:

“what have I thrown out into my ocean this week? Pretty much nothing – I’m struggling just to stay afloat. Unless you count taking my treasured eldest sister to Birthday Breakfast on Sunday – CAN we count that, Ms A? Please?”

A Birthday Breakfast, perhaps it didn’t look like this?

But I think you Miss Rose are being a bit hard on yourself, your heart has and is always in the right place, even if your mind isn’t always… Yep your heart is that pumpy thing in your chest… And this week you have been a little bit distracted, see Rose’s post… http://butimbeautiful.wordpress.com/2012/08/22/the-karmic-challenge-week-21-does-the-universe-care-if-you-pick-your-nose/ and you’ll see what I mean…

So how about… = 5 points?

You don’t really need many anyway; you are so close to being reincarnated as perhaps a sleepy Wombat… Almost nirvana!!!

A Very sleepy Wombat…

Ta Da… and Week 22’s points tally is…

		Rose		The Capt.
Week No.	Week Ending	Rose’s Weekly Tally	Rose’s Running Total	Capt’s Weekly Tally	Capt’s Running Total
15	4/07/2012	200	406	50	205
16	11/07/2012	10	416	15	220
17	18/07/2012	10	426	20	240
18	25/07/2012	5	431	25	265
19	1/08/2012	5	436	20	285
20	8/08/2012	10	446	25	310
21	15/08/2012	15	461	30	340
22	22/08/2012	5	466	15	355

Capt. Savage

(Soon to be reincarnated as a small furry gerbil, so cute)

I’d be such a cute Gerbil…

The Karmic Challenge, normal service will be resumed shortly… In the meantime Week 21

John Lennon with Instant Karma, and given how long Rose and my Karmic Challenge is taking, I’m starting to wish for a can of the instant stuff… And what the hell was Yoko thinking of in this video?

THE CHALLENGE. A man (Captain Savage). A woman (Rose). A quest. To earn enough karmic points by Christmas to be reincarnated as Something Nice. Maybe a big fat lazy lizard lounging on a sunny rock? (adapted stolen from Rose’s blog)

“Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.”
― Dalai Lama XIV

My Hero, he makes baldness an art form

So what happened in Week 21?

For me, well my week has been largely about my new car, and I could bore you to death with the details… But perhaps only I truly appreciate the magnificence of my new Volkswagen Golf, see https://captsavage.wordpress.com/2012/08/10/ode-to-my-ford-territory/

I did make a trip to see my mum, and got to talk over some things. Plus found some old photos which I still need to get the full story from mum about. But I gather that mum used to enjoy chasing the boys (a bit), and she was not a bad photographic subject…

Mum on holidays, I’m guessing she’s on a beach…

Mum fishing, look at the size of the fish…

Here is mum with one of her many boyfriends (pre-dad) and her sister-in-law with her dashing brother (the RAAF pilot). You might notice the nose on mum, I may have inherited that…

So how many points do I get for driving my new car (got another mention in) to visit my mum Rose?

Maybe 10 points for seeing mum and 10 points for making her lunch? = 20 points

But it was nice to see her and it always brings a smile to her face… And I just have to ring her up when I get home so she knows I got home ok (makes me feel like kid again).

Then there were my continued efforts to become a part-time foster carer. I have completed all of my paperwork, sent it dutifully to the foster care coordinator, and I am now waiting to see if there extensive search discovers that I am actually an axe maniac… (or is that frustrated sex maniac?).

I think that I will be pretty safe, I am a dutiful part-time dad, an accountant, a public servant, over 50, and with a beard that makes me look like Santa… How could they say no to me?

Maybe another few points? = 10 points

Hopefully they never see me as I really am…

How about you Rose?

Well you can read about Rose’s efforts at http://butimbeautiful.wordpress.com/2012/08/15/the-karmic-challenge-week-21-guccis-finest-hour/#comments

She used her secret Karma gathering trick (one of her cute pets). Sneaky way to gather points and according to El Gaupo she should get a few points, see below

El Guapo
said:

August 15, 2012 at 12:56 pm

I bet you pick up a few points for bringing Gooch.
You should talk to the staff of the hostel to get their ok for bringing Gooch, especially after he brought so much joy to them.
It would be terrible for you to bring the dog then have an overzealous staffer throw you out.

Play fair Rose, using Gucci as a Karma Magnet… It’s cheating I say…

So OK Rose, how about 5 points for you and 10 points for Gucci? = 15 Points

I really can’t afford to give you too many points, it’s still months out from Christmas and at the rate you have collected (or I have stupidly allocated) points, you’ll be reborn as a rich lotto winner cougar lady soon…

And Ta-Da, the Week 21 Tally, feedback Rose?

		Rose		The Capt.
Week No.	Week Ending	Rose’s Weekly Tally	Rose’s Running Total	Capt’s Weekly Tally	Capt’s Running Total
10	30/05/2012	5	151	15	90
11	6/06/2012	10	161	10	100
12	13/06/2012	0	161	10	110
13	20/06/2012	20	181	20	130
14	27/06/2012	25	206	25	155
15	4/07/2012	200	406	50	205
16	11/07/2012	10	416	15	220
17	18/07/2012	10	426	20	240
18	25/07/2012	5	431	25	265
19	1/08/2012	5	436	20	285
20	8/08/2012	10	446	25	310
21	15/08/2012	15	461	30	340

Capt. Savage

(Final judge of Karmic excellence, get that Rose, FINAL, no arguments please, and I know that’s going to come back and bite me isn’t it)

 

More animals from Tuggeranong, another of the Captain’s top 10’s

Here is Part 2 of my poor attempt to document the wildlife that infest the area around Tuggeranong Office Park. Unfortunately it isn’t all native, but they are all animals…

1. Here are some sheep near Kambah in Tuggeranong… Their wool is a little bit wire-like however… We have lots and lots of street art sculptures in Canberra, you either love it or hate it…

2. These you will definitely see around my office building early in the morning and late in the afternoon, Eastern Grey Kangaroos, they are very common in Canberra

3. You’ll find these hairy nosed fellows (wombats) in the evenings coming down to munch on people’s gardens. Cute but unfortunately often the victims of car hit and runs as they try to cross roads and are also unfortunately very slow-moving and quite short-sighted (kind of like me nowadays).

4. There are more and more of these little fellows hopping around out the back of my workplace, the European Rabbit, return to almost plague numbers in some parts of Australia. Cute but not really supposed to be in the Australian bush.

5. The Eastern Brown Snake (or just brown snake) is one of the most dangerous snakes in the Australia. Often seen sunning itself around on concrete paths and on rocks near the offices I work at. But like most snakes, they will only bite if you get too close or maybe step on them.

6. There are lots of these noisy little fellows in the artificial watercourse that runs between the office blocks where I work. A good indicator that the environment is ok.

7. There are a few of these around too, the common Shingleback lizard, it has an ugly big blue tongue and not the friendliest of critters.

8. The Tony Abbott, feral politician and would be Prime Minister, often seen pandering to minority groups and less frequently these days, clad only in lycra (either budgee smugglers or cycling gear). The Abbott has very distinctive markings around his mouth (stains) caused by years of talking crap…

9. Legless Lizards are reasonably common in Canberra, and sometimes seen around Tuggeranong

10. The common Canberra Bogan, often found after paydays, near a bottleshop, often drive utes (known as pickups in the US). Have some redeeming features, they are often owners of pets, although it’s hard to tell which is the hairiest or smelliest, the dog or the owner…

Next week I move onto insects… Should be interesting, and maybe then plants…

Plus Tomorrow is the Karmic Challenge roundup… I think Rose has maybe had a less frustrating week, I hope so, and will I continue my slow chase of her massive lead? Last weeks post from me is here https://captsavage.wordpress.com/2012/08/08/20-weeks-of-karma-yippee-or-is-that-gold-gold-gold/ and from Rose (not her best week of Karmic collecting) http://butimbeautiful.wordpress.com/2012/08/09/the-karmic-challenge-week-20-is-completely-stupid/

Capt. Savage

(Always educational, even sometimes factual)