Hi, I’m posting this on behalf of a person who bugged me to friend. This friend works in a government department as a public slave servant. They like a cup of coffee now and then as their work is SO BORING and the coffee helps them stay alert. So they usually take in a litre carton of milk now and then. They clearly label it as theirs. The problem, it seems, is people steal it.
At first it was small amounts, not worth worrying about. Now it seems wholesale. I’m convinced that someone on the floor is bathing in his milk like Cleopatra, because it disappears just like that.
My friend had taken to marking the level of milk with a texta. People got around this by either:
Rubbing out the mark badly and drawing a new one in.
Adding new marks.
Worst of all, putting in a bit of water to the milk, I suppose to replace the milk they nicked.
In the last case my friend has twice seen the same co-worker remove a cup full of milk which that person hides away, then add a cup full of water to the milk.
Lately, someone has simply taken to stealing the whole litre of milk. They work in a large open plan office of about 100 people. They are not sure who has been doing it. They would like to find out. As the office is in a secure area, use of cameras isn’t allowed, mainly because what we do is so BORING.
My suggestion was that my friend just lock their milk in their desk and be damned if it is warm. Or just live with the occasional theft.
But I am sure many of you have far more devious, humorous, downright evil creative ways of catching a milk thief. Please remember though that any method should not incapacitate a person or affect their permanent ability to work, because that might get my friend in hot water.
Dear Concerned Co-worker
I’ve had to deal with this same issue at my workplace, luckily we are allowed to carry weapons, so the perps don’t often go back for a second slurp of milk if we catch them at it.
But after some thought, here are my top ten suggestions, gained from an extensive survey of the office where I happen to work … And they are in no particular order…
1. Label the milk as Breast Milk, that’ll stop most people, apart from the non-weaned variety of thief
2. Just occasionally drink straight from the container in front of people. Write on it “My herpes is in remission, Help yourself”
3. For something more boring, pouring it into a different bottle would probably work. Something unappealing like butter milk or low-fat soy or even as goats milk.
4. Send out a memo asking why people stole your horse semen… Whoever vomits is the thief.
5. Put some drops of red food colouring, it will not change the flavour and it will look very unappealing.
6. Buy a bottle of milk and leave it in the sun for a day or so, then place it in the fridge for the thieves to make themselves very sick on!
7. Write on the bottle (I have spat in this, use if needed). Just be aware that some clown is likely to amend it with “That’s OK, so did I” what do you do then???
8. Get passive aggressive and put a note on the bottle or even email the whole organisation stating said bottle is yours and taking it is theft.
9. Laxatives? …. too far?
10. Final suggestion, learn to drink black coffee!!!
(Against all forms of milk theft, especially when it’s his own)