Is there a right way to end things?

Is there a right way to end things?

Personally I’ve haven’t found one yet, and god I wish some of the women who have dumped me had that magic ‘gentle’ way to call it quits. For me however, it always jumps up and slaps me in the face, or I find myself slapping them in the face no matter how much I try to do it otherwise. Somehow endings for me always end up like some cheap movie script, with an evil bad guy and there is always an innocent victim…

So how have people ended it with you Capt?

This brings me onto another Top 10 list… And yes, I know it’s surprising Rose that 10 women have rolled my particular set of dice, of course this is assuming they all were women (god if only my life was that interesting). Some of these breakups may have happened to me, but I’ll let you be the judge.

So let’s me count down my top 10 breakups, starting at 10

10. Getting it via email… God I hate that… or worse still via bloody Facebook, and yes someone did end it with me by FB, but maybe I shouldn’t have announced that we were an item on FB in the first place. Guess I removed the deniability factor, and that apparently scared the crap out of them.

9. Tell me that I’m crap in the sack, now this may have some truth in it, but don’t tell everyone else about my lack of sexual prowess before you bother to mention it to me. Hasn’t anyone heard of natural justice…

8. Decide that the best way to get rid of me is to start cheating on me, and then have it off with another bloke in the back room of the café that we were partners in, and the operative word was WERE… That’s why I hate men who are good with languages, or in his case he was a pretty cunning linguist… at least that’s what he was practicing I think, in the backroom with my ex…

7. ‘”Do you want the good news or the bad news… ” Seriously, that is NOT how to tell someone its over.

6. Just leave one day and never come back, it would have been ok if you’d paid the bills and used a real name for the utilities account, instead of Zaphod Beeblebrox. Yep, someone I shared a place with actually persuaded people to connect up the gas, electricity and phone, using Zaphod as an alias (in case you don’t know who I mean, he was a character in Douglas Adams‘ ‘Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe’. The picture above is Zaphod with the ultimate in plastic surgery, yep he wanted an extra head…

5. “So, the good news is, it’s treatable with antibiotics… “Finding out that you just got something horrible from your lover generally does it for me, no words required.

4. Nothing says “we’re over” like a good old-fashioned brawl in the middle of a family BBQ. Bring a chair… words hurt, but broken bones hurt more.

3. A bloody singing telegram… And yes I am old enough to remember (and have received) a telegram. Although, honestly, this was probably the worst way to deliver any message.

2. Leave a voicemail message on their answering machine, not fair, and then disconnect your phone so that I can’t call you… Oh, and of course move out, all at the same time… I suppose I should thank you, at least it made hating you a lot easier.

1. Ok, so here is something that’s novel, you could actually try being mature and tell me that you just don’t feel the same anymore. There is literally nothing as soul-crushing as the truth I can tell you. Also, it leaves me wondering what game you’re trying to play with my head, god honesty it’s just unheard of. Voila! You’ve ruined my love life for a good 8 months or so!

So what is the worst way that someone has broken up with you?

Capt. Savage

(Zaphod, and if I ever find you…)


13 thoughts on “Is there a right way to end things?

  1. El Guapo says:

    Once broke up with a girl by mail. Yeah, I felt like a heel for a long time afterwards.

    Also once broke up with a girl with the following line: “Is this going anyplace you want to be?”
    Her not having an answer was answer enough. We’ve run into each other a few times since then and been friendly enough with each other…

  2. Ouch Mon Capitane, Ouch

  3. Got dumped once by the person just not returning phonecalls. That made me so furious I kept his favourite book and wouldn’t give it back even when he asked. Seems a bit mean now I look back on it (about the book I mean). I once read a novel (Joan Collins) with a guy in it whose dumped girlfriends always felt good about it. I think the trick is to make them think they’ve outgrown YOU. How – I dunno!

  4. ps what did you mean to say about me? It got all garbled up!

  5. Llife’s a beach, right? Amazing there are so many ways to call it splits. I have a good one for your list. About getting someone else pregnant first and splitting up with you once the bun is in the oven eh? But that was eons ago.

    • Capt. Savage says:

      I think, to quote Monty Python, life a piece of shit, when you look at it, but we all soldier on. I’m not upset too much by break ups, because each ending is also a new beginning too 🙂

  6. whiteladyinthehood says:

    Those are terrible Captain! (the guy with the sign really made me laugh, though) Don’t give up! I hope there is a nice lady out there for you!

  7. The Hook says:

    This may have been painful to write, Captain, but it was hilarious to read! Thank you.

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