Is there a right way to end things?

Is there a right way to end things?

Personally I’ve haven’t found one yet, and god I wish some of the women who have dumped me had that magic ‘gentle’ way to call it quits. For me however, it always jumps up and slaps me in the face, or I find myself slapping them in the face no matter how much I try to do it otherwise. Somehow endings for me always end up like some cheap movie script, with an evil bad guy and there is always an innocent victim…

So how have people ended it with you Capt?

This brings me onto another Top 10 list… And yes, I know it’s surprising Rose that 10 women have rolled my particular set of dice, of course this is assuming they all were women (god if only my life was that interesting). Some of these breakups may have happened to me, but I’ll let you be the judge.

So let’s me count down my top 10 breakups, starting at 10

10. Getting it via email… God I hate that… or worse still via bloody Facebook, and yes someone did end it with me by FB, but maybe I shouldn’t have announced that we were an item on FB in the first place. Guess I removed the deniability factor, and that apparently scared the crap out of them.

9. Tell me that I’m crap in the sack, now this may have some truth in it, but don’t tell everyone else about my lack of sexual prowess before you bother to mention it to me. Hasn’t anyone heard of natural justice…

8. Decide that the best way to get rid of me is to start cheating on me, and then have it off with another bloke in the back room of the café that we were partners in, and the operative word was WERE… That’s why I hate men who are good with languages, or in his case he was a pretty cunning linguist… at least that’s what he was practicing I think, in the backroom with my ex…

7. ‘”Do you want the good news or the bad news… ” Seriously, that is NOT how to tell someone its over.

6. Just leave one day and never come back, it would have been ok if you’d paid the bills and used a real name for the utilities account, instead of Zaphod Beeblebrox. Yep, someone I shared a place with actually persuaded people to connect up the gas, electricity and phone, using Zaphod as an alias (in case you don’t know who I mean, he was a character in Douglas Adams‘ ‘Hitchhikers Guide to the Universe’. The picture above is Zaphod with the ultimate in plastic surgery, yep he wanted an extra head…

5. “So, the good news is, it’s treatable with antibiotics… “Finding out that you just got something horrible from your lover generally does it for me, no words required.

4. Nothing says “we’re over” like a good old-fashioned brawl in the middle of a family BBQ. Bring a chair… words hurt, but broken bones hurt more.

3. A bloody singing telegram… And yes I am old enough to remember (and have received) a telegram. Although, honestly, this was probably the worst way to deliver any message.

2. Leave a voicemail message on their answering machine, not fair, and then disconnect your phone so that I can’t call you… Oh, and of course move out, all at the same time… I suppose I should thank you, at least it made hating you a lot easier.

1. Ok, so here is something that’s novel, you could actually try being mature and tell me that you just don’t feel the same anymore. There is literally nothing as soul-crushing as the truth I can tell you. Also, it leaves me wondering what game you’re trying to play with my head, god honesty it’s just unheard of. Voila! You’ve ruined my love life for a good 8 months or so!

So what is the worst way that someone has broken up with you?

Capt. Savage

(Zaphod, and if I ever find you…)

Stories of mum: my mother’s vibrator

Stories of mum: my mother’s vibrator

Hi mum (kiss kiss, hug) How’s your week been?

Fine, you know, same as always…there’s just one thing, I can’t get that jolly vibrator to work!

What? Your vibrator?

Yes.  You know, that thing.  That vibrates.  I plugged it in, so it’s not a battery problem or anything..It heats up, so that’s not the problem.  It just doesn’t vibrate like it’s supposed to.

Oh. (puzzles) Ohhhhh.  That thing, Your VIBRATOR.  Er, mum, I think you mean your vibrating back pillow.  You do know what a vibrator is, don’t you?

Cup of tea?  No…what do you mean?

A vibrator is, um, one of those things that you buy that you hold up against your, you know, and it gives you orgasms.  You buy them in sex shops.

You hold it up against your..but why would you want to do that?

Well, suppose you didn’t have a man around, and you felt like sex, well there’s this little machine in your bedside drawer and you have that instead.  Or, some people have it even when there IS a man around.

Oh. (pause) Well I’ve never heard of THAT.  And frankly I don’t see the point.  How strange.  Now about that vibrator..

Darling mum, wherever you are in the ether (or not), have a big virtual hug!

Rose, that’s a cute story, but Rose’s mum was far more liberal and progressive than mine. My mum still hasn’t told me sex, and I think she would collapsed from shock if I discussed vibrators, CS

From my friend Rose of http://butimbeautiful.wordpress.com

20 weeks of Karma – Yippee or is that Gold, Gold, Gold

I just had to get one shot in of an Australian winning a gold medal… I am an Aussie… And we haven’t won that many…

THE CHALLENGE. A man (Captain Savage). A woman (Rose). A quest. To earn enough karmic points by Christmas to be reincarnated as Something Nice. An Australian Olympian winning GOLD maybe? (adapted this from Rose’s blog, or maybe I stole it…)


“My Brain and My Heart are my Temples. My true Religion is Kindness.”

Dalai Lama

So How did Rose and the Capt. Do in week 20 of the challenge?

This week has been spent in search of a new car, my quest began with my blog about the beast, see https://captsavage.wordpress.com/2012/07/29/looking-for-a-new-beast/. My current car is a hangover from when I was still a complete family man, i.e. me, the wife, and the three kids. If I was American it would be an ok car, I think you call them SUVs, over here we call them gas guzzling monsters, and because mine was a fake 4WD, it’s sometimes known as mum’s taxi… Not very glamorous for a hunky sexy stud like me (look in mirror and check, yep ok)…

So what type of car did I actually end up ordering, it was going to be red, but actually its ‘platinum grey metallic’, it a really manly 2litre diesel family wagon, it’s a Volkswagen too, yep practicality and fuel economy, green agenda and etc., finally got to me…

Here is the new beast… Not exactly a chic magnet, but I’ve reached that stage that I don’t care J

The Capt Efforts

I have an errant worker who has now been off work for nearly 4 weeks. Now this is proving to be a right pain in the arse, not his fault as he has been very sick. I feel for the guy, but he is also possibly the most unreliable person as far as telling me that he is sick. He just doesn’t always remember that people are concerned about the fact that he hasn’t come to work. I am madly trying to protect his job as my manic meany manager wants to start the balls rolling on his sacking.

So I think I deserve 10 points for that, but Rose (the generous one) gave me … = 15 points

The other night I slaved over a hot stove creating (from a recipe) a faux Indian creation (Vegetable Korma) for the beautiful Rose and her even more beautiful daughter the divine Miss M. I have to admit that even I went back for second helpings and that nobody went running for the exits either.

You can get the recipe for this wonderful dish at … https://captsavage.wordpress.com/2012/08/05/vegetarian-korma-tonights-dinner-from-the-capt/ (that’s me, shameless self promoter)


Now I have to admit that it didn’t actually look exactly like this picture, but isn’t food about the taste?

How about 5 points per plateful = 10 points?

Ok there was on blemish on my week. I may have had a possible road rage incident going to work the other day, just maybe. This little twit in a hotted up Japanese buzzbox tried to drag me off at the lights, and just maybe I raced him, and just maybe he got pissed off with me as I may have accidentally cut him off in the traffic. You know these SUVs have HUGE blind spots, at least that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it…

So I think fairs fair = Minus 5 points?

Rose’s Efforts

After last week’s heroic efforts where Rose reckoned she’d scored at least 5 points for not decking Mr. L, the ex-ANZAC pensioner she has been visiting, see http://butimbeautiful.wordpress.com/2012/08/01/the-karmic-challenge-week-19s-bloodthirsty-pensioner-strikes-again/

But this week Rose claims that she hasn’t done much. She is going to see Mr. L again, so I think that shows persistence, considering the number of times he has been telling Rose about the war, and her being a left-wing anti-violence new aged cougar, it must be driving her mad.

I Reckon the fact that Mr. L is still on her Christmas card list = 5 Points

Here you go, stock shot of a typical old ANZAC, chest covered in medals and all… Not sure if Mr. L looks anything like this, but…

Then Rose is off to a fundraiser event… as per usual the ever modest Rose asked me “does that count?”

Well YES Rose it does, especially as it’s bound to be for some very worthy animal cause or perhaps a rabid leftist feminist cause, but regardless, very worthy… It’s better than becoming an axe murderer or perhaps being possessed by the devil.

So Rose I’m in a generous mood = 5 Points

The Week 20 Tally, any comments Rose?

   

Rose

The Capt.

Week No. Week Ending Rose’s Weekly Tally Rose’s Running Total Capt’s Weekly Tally Capt’s Running Total
10

30/05/2012

5

151

15

90

11

6/06/2012

10

161

10

100

12

13/06/2012

0

161

10

110

13

20/06/2012

20

181

20

130

14

27/06/2012

25

206

25

155

15

4/07/2012

200

406

50

205

16

11/07/2012

10

416

15

220

17

18/07/2012

10

426

20

240

18

25/07/2012

5

431

25

265

19

1/08/2012

5

436

20

285

20

8/08/2012

10

446

25

310

 Onwards to Week 21, which I will be doing in my NEW CAR… Yippee…

Capt. Savage

(Now driving a bloody German Car, who’d have thunk that, and we thought we won the War? dear Mr. L…)

How to stop a thief? (And my 100th post, Yippee)

Dear Capt.,

Hi, I’m posting this on behalf of a person who bugged me to friend. This friend works in a government department as a public slave servant. They like a cup of coffee now and then as their work is SO BORING and the coffee helps them stay alert. So they usually take in a litre carton of milk now and then. They clearly label it as theirs. The problem, it seems, is people steal it.

At first it was small amounts, not worth worrying about. Now it seems wholesale. I’m convinced that someone on the floor is bathing in his milk like Cleopatra, because it disappears just like that.

My friend had taken to marking the level of milk with a texta. People got around this by either:

  • Rubbing out the mark badly and drawing a new one in.
  • Adding new marks.
  • Worst of all, putting in a bit of water to the milk, I suppose to replace the milk they nicked.

In the last case my friend has twice seen the same co-worker remove a cup full of milk which that person hides away, then add a cup full of water to the milk.

Lately, someone has simply taken to stealing the whole litre of milk. They work in a large open plan office of about 100 people. They are not sure who has been doing it. They would like to find out. As the office is in a secure area, use of cameras isn’t allowed, mainly because what we do is so BORING.

My suggestion was that my friend just lock their milk in their desk and be damned if it is warm. Or just live with the occasional theft.

But I am sure many of you have far more devious, humorous, downright evil creative ways of catching a milk thief. Please remember though that any method should not incapacitate a person or affect their permanent ability to work, because that might get my friend in hot water.

Concerned Co-worker
—————

Dear Concerned Co-worker

I’ve had to deal with this same issue at my workplace, luckily we are allowed to carry weapons, so the perps don’t often go back for a second slurp of milk if we catch them at it.

But after some thought, here are my top ten suggestions, gained from an extensive survey of the office where I happen to work … And they are in no particular order…

1. Label the milk as Breast Milk, that’ll stop most people, apart from the non-weaned variety of thief

 

2. Just occasionally drink straight from the container in front of people. Write on it “My herpes is in remission, Help yourself”

3. For something more boring, pouring it into a different bottle would probably work. Something unappealing like butter milk or low-fat soy or even as goats milk.

4. Send out a memo asking why people stole your horse semen… Whoever vomits is the thief.

5. Put some drops of red food colouring, it will not change the flavour and it will look very unappealing.

6. Buy a bottle of milk and leave it in the sun for a day or so, then place it in the fridge for the thieves to make themselves very sick on!

7. Write on the bottle (I have spat in this, use if needed). Just be aware that some clown is likely to amend it with “That’s OK, so did I” what do you do then???

8. Get passive aggressive and put a note on the bottle or even email the whole organisation stating said bottle is yours and taking it is theft.

9. Laxatives? …. too far?

10. Final suggestion, learn to drink black coffee!!!

Capt. Savage

(Against all forms of milk theft, especially when it’s his own)

World Champion Farnarkling, a challenge to my Karmic happiness!!!

Well, I work in a government agency just overflowing with world champion farnarklers, farnarkling like crazy, as they have been doing with my review, refer to my last post at https://captsavage.wordpress.com/2012/07/26/karmic-challenge-total-time-in-graphic-detail/.

Have they signed off on it?

Hell No… Still more farnarkling apparently to be done.

CS

The Bucket

The word "farnarkling" has become firmly entrenched in the GOF family lexicon.  From the verb "to farnarkle" it was coined in Australia back in the days when television pictures only came in black and white.
It means to waste time, fart around, or otherwise indulge in an unproductive occupation.

For a brief time it was frivolously redeployed as the name for a team sport where underwear was worn on the outside of normal clothing.  This was however only a temporary perversion of its true etymology.

When Globet was born I tried my very best to ensure "farnarkle" was the very first word she would annunciate to the world.  It was not to be.  She was a miserable failure in that regard, merely siding with the masses by uttering something predictable like "mama" or "ice cream" through the dribble and bubbles.

A word which rolls so beautifully off the tongue obviously…

View original post 300 more words

Jenolan Caves in Klingon

http://getaway.ninemsn.com.au/fsaustraliansw/8502578/trekkie-heaven-a-klingon-cave-tour

Ok the world is a pretty strange place, and maybe I need to be a bit accommodating for the desires of others, but really, why would anyone want to tour a beautiful place like Jenolan Caves while listening to a tour guide speaking in Klingon. Ok I find this pretty unbelievable, my old boss who used to be the boss of the Jenolan Caves house would be turning in his grave. Well maybe not quite as he is still breathing, but he may not be soon if he found out about tours to his beloved caves being described entirely in Klingon.

What the hell is the world coming to!  

The scary thing for me is that a language was actually invented just for a TV show that only really ran for a couple of seasons before getting canned. And that apparently the bible has been translated into Klingon as well. There are more speakers of Klingon alive today then there are people who can speak Latin, come on NERDS, and get a grip please!!!

Here is Warf (yes he’s Klingon) caught in the middle of touring Jenolan Caves.

I suppose there are worse things that people could be up to, and that this is a pretty harmless idea.

What next? Will they be adding Klingon to Google Translate?

Ok, Rant over… But if you want a few useful Klingon phrases, go to http://www.kli.org/tlh/phrases.html. And by the way, all you Klingon Nerds, well why don’t you all naDevvo' yIghoS (go away in Klingon)…

Capt. Savage

(And NO I am not Klingon)

Week 17 – A few more coins in the Karmic fountain

This song is for my daughter, who for some reason really likes this track. I am slightly embarrassed to admit that I have the original album (Waterloo) in vinyl, maybe if my daughter is good when she comes and visits me in September I might dig out the album and play it for her. That’s after I have finished explaining to her what a record player is… Worrying part in a way for me is pretty soon I’ll need to explain to her what a CD player is… Plus all those cassettes I have gathering dust in the corner of my cupboard.

Miss J, this is a record player, and no my house is NOT a museum, at least not yet…

BTW, this weekend signals a new episode in the life of the Capt., yes my new little pussy cat arrives on Saturday (hopefully). I have been lusting after a pussy for years (minds out of gutter please!), well ever since my family’s last lovely black and white cat quietly passed away.

Timmins, the black and white pussy cat…

Pussy cats have been in my family for years actually, in fact here is a picture of my dad with his cat before he went off to the Second World War.

He was also called Timmins, as were all our family’s cats.

Dad then went off and joined the Artillery and served in North Africa.

There’s my dad, back row, 3rd from the left, with the slightly cheeky grin, he was a naughty boy…

Anyway, back to Timmins the 1st, my dad was away for over 5 years, and old Timmins hung on until he came back. He lasted just 4-5 months after that, and dad was apparently really upset when he passed away. Timmins really made an impression on my dad. Our family was almost never without a cat for as long as I can remember. So I’ve waited a few years dad, but finally I’ve gotten around to carrying on the family tradition (Mum does have a cat, and he is a real rascal).

My dad, well as I said, he was a bit of a lad, or slightly naughty. I think he was lucky to snag my mum. Dad was a bit of a dancer, and my mum loved dancing, they met at a dance hall in Sydney.

Here is mum walking down the to my granddad’s store, which was at the old Paddy’s Market in Haymarket Sydney. The photo was taken sometime before the war. My poppy own a large green grocers business at the markets, mum used to do the books. Apparently she was often wolf whistled when she walked to work, she claimed not to like it, but I think she really loved it…

Mum was cute I think… Love the gloves, the hat and the net stuff…

The end result was this…

Yes that’s a little Capt. Savage, at home in our backyard…

So enough of my family, on to the Karmic score.

I have I think said all I need to say about our (Rose and my) week in Karma. You can check out our respective blogs for more details, for Rose see http://butimbeautiful.wordpress.com/2012/07/18/the-karmic-challenge-week-17-guru-fred-speaks/ and for my efforts see https://captsavage.wordpress.com/2012/07/18/week-of-karmic-action-week-17/

And the points… I was tempted to give all of Rose’s point to Guru Fred, whose wisdom is never-ending… But here is the Capt. Savage view, objections can be sent to WhoCares@GuruFredsAshram.com.au

   

Rose

The Capt.

Week No. Week Ending Rose’s Weekly Tally Rose’s Running Total Capt’s Weekly Tally Capt’s Running Total
10

30/05/2012

5

151

15

90

11

6/06/2012

10

161

10

100

12

13/06/2012

0

161

10

110

13

20/06/2012

20

181

20

130

14

27/06/2012

25

206

25

155

15

4/07/2012

200

406

50

205

16

11/07/2012

10

416

15

220

17

18/07/2012

10

426

50

270

(Note, I gave myself a couple of extra points for this week, Carpe Diem, Rose)

Bring on Week 18, and let’s see what chaos a pussy cat can do…

Capt. Savage

(Finally the Capt. has his own furry little pussy)